wishing i am single. not so i can date other guys, but so i don't have to worry about getting hurt. so i don't have to worry about whether my boyfriend is cheating on me, or whether he really loves and cares about me. i wanna be single again. just me. and my cool friends.

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2004-12-09 :: 10:49 a.m.

okay. so, long story short, the boyfriend did not go home last night and he went to a motel instead. he called to tell me this at 4am, at 7am he called to ask me to come over and see him and i declined, at 8am he called and asked me the same thing and again i declined. i woke up a few minutes ago and have been trying to call him but his phone is turned off because of low battery and i called his room but no answer.

i had a nightmare last night. i was still with the boyfriend but he was different. i mean, he was white but i called him the same name and my feelings were the same. anyway, then i found a note that some girl wrote him about sleeping together and taking a shower together...things i really do not want to get into.

so i freaked out, of course. and somehow we were back and my house and i was screaming my head off even though there were a lot of people there. i asked him, how could he ask me to trust him and tell me he loves me and that he'd never cheat on me and hurt me but he's doing this? i started throwing all the things he had given me at him. apparently, at that time, he had given me a lot of tiny stuffed animals. i do have a few tiny stuffed animals from him right now.

anyway, at first he was apologizing and trying to hold me back. but then he started just brushing it off as if he doesn't care. i was so hurt...i felt the pain as i was sleeping. i remember i had tears in my eyes when i woke up. it wasn't even really a nightmare considering there were no ghosts or anything, but i was so hurt and the painful feelings that i had to go through with all my three ex-es came back and it all mixed together. and i love him, a lot. i mean, in real life too...i love him and if i this were to ever happen in real life, it'd just kill my heart.

this has made me really scared. i mean, i'm paranoid enough as it and now to have this dream? especially after i had prayed before i had gone to bed asking god to please protect me because i am so scared of getting hurt and please give me signs if he is lying and he doesn't really love me.

this also makes me think of the old days before i started dating him. it had been at least two years since my last ex. and yes, i felt lonely at times but most of the time i was okay. i felt independent and that i don't need anyone to make me happy. i can do anything and wouldn't get yelled at by a boyfriend.

this also makes me have thoughts about marriage. i mean, can i really spend my entire life with someone? i know i can, but can i TRUST him? and can he respect me enough? i think after we (whoever the guy may be) get married, i'd wanna move to a small charming town where everyone is nice and isn't out to hurt or backstab other people.

well, must get ready for work.

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2004-12-08 :: 4:46 p.m.

well, i'm at the school library and i've got 45 minutes before my next class. gah. i hate wasting time...but at least i can write in my diary :)

i studied and worked on my paper all morning, with talking to the boyfriend in between that. yeah. english class was boring except when i typed a random note on andrew's huge laptop and drew a giraffe, reindeer, penguin and pineapple for amy. then i took the psych final. i think i did okay, i hope i get an A. i'm not worried about any of my classes except for math. i'm sure i will get a C, i'm pretty confident about the final on monday because i've been attending class lately and understanding the material. i really need a C though. i cannot get a D and absolutely cannot have an F. yep.

anyway, badly missing the boyfriend and wishing i could see him but can't because he works at 5 to 9pm tonight. guess will just spend the night watching movies. oo fun, not. will see him friday and i have saturday off so that's nice. oh well, time to go. i'm gonna go read or something.

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2004-12-08 :: 12:34 a.m.

well $3 flat rate turned out to be THIRTY DOLLARS flat rate. fuckers. it was not worth it. i better get an A in that class, or at least B+!!!!

the boyfriend and i had a pretty big fight. in the afternoon i told him i wanted a break because we have no communication anyway... i always talk and he never shares any stories or anything. he says nothing is interesting but i don't care... i still wanna know. how else am i gonna know about his life if he doesn't share ANY type of stories? this is why i often don't see a future between us because i love to talk and i want an open and honest relationship but i can't have that if he doesn't talk to me.

anyway, i told him i'd talk to him later. i went to the photo place and wasn't able to answer my phone. he called me, at least ten times within an hour and a half. left two mean voicemail messages (one saying "if this is how it's gonna be, you're just gonna bang some other day, then fine.") then he texted me and wrote, "i apologize with all my heart. the only thing i want for christmas is you. love, teddy bear"

aw :( i finally called him back, told him to not freak out and that i wasn't banging some other guy. i guess now he knows how i feel when i am not able to reach him and i desperately need to. and i guess he really thought i was gonna go through with the break because he has never "freaked out" like this before. usually, he'd call once, or i'd call him instead of playing hard and making him call me but i got home at 11:45pm and my dad told me he called the house three times and called my work also. i guess i feel bad that i made him worry but i also kinda feel special because of it.

anyway, we made up. he wants me to come over tomorrow but i have too much stuff to do. i guess we'll just see each other friday. four days without seeing each other...that's gonna be the longest we've gone for a LONG time. oh well, once my classes are over, i can see him more.

dad was pissing me off tonight when i got home because he was totally interrogating me about why i was home at 11:45pm even though my curfew is midnight and he knew fully well that i had to go to the photo lab place. and then he asked a whole bunch of questions about me and the boyfriend and it's like, back off buddy! none of your business. oh well.

bed time. i am so friggin tired. so sleeping in tomorrow...and then finishing english paper and studying for psych final. GAH!!!

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2004-12-07 :: 3:52 p.m.

as it stands right now, my spring 2005 schedule will look like this:

monday
1:30 - 2:45pm Conservation Biology
3:00 - 4:15pm College Composition and Literature
4:50 - 6:55pm Life and Career Planning (only until March 20, 2005)

tuesday
11:00 - 1:50pm Astronomy lab
2:00 - 3:15pm Women in American History
3:30 - 4:45pm Astronomy

wednesday
1:30 - 2:45pm Conservation Biology
3:00 - 4:15pm College Composition and Literature

thursday
2:00 - 3:15pm Women in American History
3:30 - 4:45pm Astronomy

six classes total, if you count astronomy lab...14 credits and i'm gonna have one more job by february. ARGH!!! won't be able to register until thursday at 1pm.